As Christians, sometimes we are not prepared for the devil and his deceit. I did not realize as a young married couple we were under attack. I thought as long as I served God my life would be trouble-free. Boy, was I wrong? After a couple of years, Gary and I stopped going to church. We thought that was the best decision for our situation. We both agreed we would not quit serving God; we would just stop going to church. The agreement that Gary and I made about continuing to serve God went by the wayside. Instead of reading the word of God daily, it would be months before I picked up my bible. Praying to God was not as it had been when I had a relationship with Him. Praying had become a 911 call to God to help me whenever an emergency arose.
Satan knew not to waste his time on enticing me with the world and everything it had to offer. I had been brought up in church and knew right from wrong. I would never do what I call a blatant sin….you know, things like drugs, smoking, and drinking; I would never cheat, steal, or swear. I was on the road to living a life to make a good impression on others. I was arrogant, prideful, and self-righteous, you would call me a “goody-two-shoes.” The world considered me a Christian, but in reality, I was just a good moral person who was not living close to God. Don’t get me wrong. I called on God many, many times throughout my life and He was always there for me. Even though, I let the devil convince me that I was above sin. Oh, what a fool I was. It was as if I thought I had never done anything bad in my entire life. And of course, I failed to remember that I was born in sin, just like everyone else in this world.
And then there was a changing point in my life:
I started having a recurring dream for almost a year. I dreamt that I had killed someone. I saw the deep, open grave and strained to see who was in the grave. It was too dark and seemed bottomless. I knew I was a murderer. I woke up with my heart racing and the horrible guilt engulfing me. It felt like the weight of the world was on my chest. I had never felt so much conviction in my entire life. the more I dreamt the dream, the more intense it got, and I could not distinguish between reality and the dream. It seemed so real, it felt so real, and I must have done it. I would tell Gary how I felt every morning after the terrifying dream. He would take me in his arms as I cried and would reassure me by saying, ” Honey, you didn’t kill anyone.” I always responded, “Then why does it seem so real?”
After several months of the same dream, I realized that God was showing me what a wretched sinner I truly was, and most importantly how much my sin weighted when he carried it to the cross. My pride, self-righteousness, and vanity all equaled a murderer in God’s eyes. You see God doesn’t measure or grade our sin. He calls it like it is; Sin is Sin one is not worst than another. It is the only thing that can separate us from God. God Loved me unconditionally and showed me what I needed to see and feel, the real me, the sinner I was. One night I was looking through the old bible that had carried me through my years in the wilderness without a relationship with God. I was reading Genesis chapter 6 when I saw words that I had written when I was fifteen, “Don’t murder your soul.” The chapter is on the wickedness of man. God said,” More and more of my people are turning against me. The human body has become their god. My Holy Spirit will not work with them endlessly.” It was only then that I knew who I murdered in my dream; it was me, It was my soul. I asked God to forgive me of my murderous sins and rededicated my life to Him. Gary and I are prodigals that came home. If you have left the fold Jesus is searching for you and pleading for you to come home. It is never too late.