I barely had a job, living with my girlfriends parents and unmarried. My girlfriend and I were very young and she ended up pregnant. I was so happy at the thought of being a new father after finding out the wonderful news but the happiness was suddenly crushed once we told her parents. They were so angry even though I told them that I would do whatever it took to be the best father that I could be with a better job and our own place to live. I had never seen them so mad and after they scolded us for what seemed like forever all of them including my girlfriend decided to have an abortion. I was totally crushed and felt trapped with no way out. I cried myself to sleep almost every night and couldn’t even fathom what we were about to do. When the day came we drove into the parking lot we were met by picketers that we’re boycotting abortion and they made me feel even more powerless and saddened over our situation. After it was done there was a hole left in my heart that wouldn’t be filled till many years later. I had married my girlfriend and had two beautiful children but divorced nine years later. I moved away and met a beautiful woman that I ended up marrying years later. She had introduced me to church and I started walking with God! We decided to move closer to my parents onto a little ranch that was God given and It was wonderful. One sunny day I had to work on one of our vehicles but I also wanted to spend time with my wife. I asked her if she would like to come outside and read a book together while I fixed the vehicle and she agreed. I don’t remember the name of the book but it had something to do with a woman that was having an abortion. As she was reading about this woman’s experience all the sudden all these feelings and thoughts came flooding back into my mind from some twenty plus years prior. At first I had my head turned away from her and she couldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes but it was short-lived as I burst into tears and told her to stop reading. I couldn’t even tell her why I was upset because I was crying so hard so she just grabbed me and held me till I was ready to talk. I hadn’t told my wife about a lot of things in my past because I wasn’t proud of them. After a lengthy discussion I thought she would have been appalled and disgusted with me as I was with myself and mad that I didn’t tell her sooner. She did not judge me however but had a great talk that made me feel a little better. The next couple of days were pretty rough on me and decided that I needed to give it to God and ask for forgiveness. Some things you think are buried deep and won’t come back up but they do eventually even at the strangest of times. As soon as I gave it to God I felt a lot better but it took me a long time to be able to forgive myself. I knew as soon as I handed it over to God it was blotted out and I should have just let it go but I held on to that pain for a while. Isaiah 46:25 “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. I felt like I needed to be punished for what I had done. It doesn’t matter how much you punish yourself those things don’t change. It’s best to just let it go giving it to God completely and ask him how you can forgive yourself, he will show you. I challenge you today to let go of the pain from your past and stop punishing yourself. It’s the only way to have the best walk with our heavenly father. If this is something that you were interested in today then please join me in prayer. Dear heavenly father please forgive me for what I have done in my past Lord I don’t want to be plagued with these thoughts anymore. Show me how I can forgive myself for these things. I don’t want anything to restrict me from having the best relationship with you Lord. Show me how to love myself so I can in turn Love thy neighbor. Thank you for always listening to my prayers and answering all of them. In Jesus precious name, amen!
Published by Matthew, Karen, and God
Karen Guthrie, a retired Bank Manager, Vice President, and Matthew Moore, who works in construction, are members of the same church. In March 2014, they both joined the Oakdale Rescue Mission Board of Directors. They started sharing their stories with one another on how God has greatly impacted their lives. View more posts